Employment Policy

Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

Transportation:

キ It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to
your salary.

キ If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

キ If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we
assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

キ If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

Annual Leave:

Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!). They are
called Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:

キ Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy.

キ Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.

キ Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

キ There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the
end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, the door will open.

Internet Usage

All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted
from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will
be deducted from your salary. (note: Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB
connection).

Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary
for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3
months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day.

FeviQuick Glue

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school .'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my Feviquick glue.!!!

Fire Alarm

Recession Blues :-)

How to find the gender of a fly?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?' ! She asked.
'Hunting Flies' He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'


He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone

Funny

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an

American.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American

too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their

hands

explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception.

A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American." replied Gita.

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She

asks Gita

why she is an Indian.

"Well", my mom and dad are Indians, "so I'm an Indian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly "if

your mom

was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile.

"Then" says Gita, "I'd be an American."

Just for Laughs - Baniya Jokes

Sardaron par bahut jokes suney hai, here are some Baniya Jokes….

Baniya: Yeh kela(banana) kaisay diya?
Shopkeeper: 1Rs.
Baniya: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?
S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.
Baniya:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de

Baniya on his death time.
My wife, where r u ?
Wife:Yes, I’m here
My sons daughters ru all here?
Yes, Papa
Baniya:To phir barabar wale kamre
ka pankha Q khula hay ???

Baniya 14th floor se neche gira
Girte waqt usne
apni ghar ki khidki me
apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha
to chilla k bola
MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!

Baniya ne jat ko khoon de k uski jaan bachai.
jat ne use MERCEDEZ gift kardi.
jat ko phir khoon ki zarurat padi,
Baniya ne phir khoon dia.
Ab k bar jat ne till waly laddu gift kiye,
Baniya:Ghusse se, mercedez kyon nahi di?
jat: Munna…!! Ab hamarey ander bhi baniye ka khoon daud raha hay:)

Baniya called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai,
kya charges hongay?
NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.
Baniya: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho "Chacha Guzar Gaye".
Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!
Baniya: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do..... Acha likho................ .
Chacha Guzar Gaye - Maruti for Sale .

Baniya ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?
Taxi Driver: Han jaunga.
Baniya ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:
Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.

Baniya ko bhoot chadh gaya ,
3 din baad bhoot khud ek ojha k paas gaya aur bola,
Ojha sahab mujhe bahar Nikalo..! Warna me to bhookha hi mar jaunga

Titanic K Sath Baniya Bhi Doob Raha Tha
Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
Baniya: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda

Indian Laughter Therapy

Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ahmed : I want 2 b a pilot.
James : I want 2 b a doctor.
Swati: I want 2 b a good mother.
Asif : I want 2 help Swati . _____________________________________________________
Exams: Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL! _____________________________________________________
Delivered:
Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife.
Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing.
The report said, "DELIVERED". _____________________________________________________
Sardar enters shop & shouts, "Where's my free gift with this oil?"
Shopkeeper: "ISke Saath koi gift nahin hai bhaisaab"
Sard : "Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE!!" ______________________________________________________
ONE FINE DAY A GIRL PROPOSED TO A SARDAR AND SARDAR DENIED SIMPLY SAYING THAT IN OUR FAMILY, WE MARRY ONLY OUR RELATIVES.. MY MOM MARRIED MY DAD, MY BROTHER MARRIED MY BHABHI, MY UNCLE MARRIED MY AUNT AND SO ON. SO PLEASE EXCUSE ME !!!!! ______________________________________________________
Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner. So the two sardars swapped (exchanged) their sandwiches. ______________________________________________________
A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels, but he always started reading from the middle. A friend of his asked why he did so?" It'z doubly interesting", said the Sardar. "TO start from the middle keeps one curious not only about its conclusion but also about its beginning.
______________________________________________________
Once a Sardarji was going to his office. On the way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly hurt. Next day , on his way to the office, he noticed a banana peel and Later after two days, he noticed two banana peels and exclaimed" ari sala, aaj to choice hai"!!!!!! _________________________________________________________
A Sardar, his wife with son and daugher went to a party he introduced his family to his friends saying.." I am Sardar.. and this is Sardarnee ....this is my kid and that is my kidney...!!" _________________________________________________________
American says " In America, marriages can happen with Emails...." Sardarji "In India, marriages happen with fe-mails...!!!" _________________________________________________________
Q. What do you call a fat lady waiting for a bus? A. Moti-vating..!!! _________________________________________________________
Nurse - "Congrats.. Sardarji...You have become a Father...." Sardarji - " Don't tell my wife yet.... I want to surprise her..!" _________________________________________________________
Dr Chopra psychotherapist wanted 'Sign board' to be pained in front of his clinic but our Sardar painter painted "Dr Chorpa Psycho The Rapist" ________________________________________________________
What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE .......... Ek bigadti hai to bandh ho jati hai...... Doosari bigadati hai to "SHUROO' ho jati hai ________________________________________________________
Sardar to son: Idiot! What matchbox did u purchase? Not even one match is burning.
Beta : How is it possible? I tested each one b4 buying... ________________________________________________________
Man runs home yelling "Pack your bags honey. I just won the 10 Million lotto.
Wife : Do I pack for the beach or mountains ?
Man : Who cares ? Just pack and get lost ! ________________________________________________________
Doctor to Sardaar : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood group ek hi hai?
Sardaar : Hoga, Jarur hoga; 25 saal se mera khoon jo pee rahi hai.... ________________________________________________________
Koun si devi ka kounsa prasad India mein famous hai Rabridevi ka laloo prasad ________________________________________________________
A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab today....... Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still.....digging for more. ________________________________________________________
Sardar found answer to most difficult question question ever
What comes first - the chicken or the egg ?
Oye yaar, jiska order pahele dooge, wo ayega !!

Dilbert's One Liners

Here are some nice Dilbert's one liners..:

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. ** This is the best one.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. 15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. …….and here's the best of the lot.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else.

Mindset

Bush's Balance Sheet

Shittttttttttt

Manure... An interesting fact

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.After that , the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

Superb Advertising - Part 6

FIRST
Fashion Claims more Victims than you think
Save the Animals

CCA-Unicef Special Mention
Gender in Education

Special Mention

Against CorruptionSpecial Mention

Road Safety

Special Mention

Nature is incomplete without Female Gender. Save The girl child

Special Mention

Help Street Children

Special Mention

Save Trees

Road Safety

Euthanasia

Last night my mom and I were sitting in the living room chatting about things and......life... and... then, we talked about living and dying.

I said to her: ' Mom, If ever I end up in a vegetative state when you are alive, please never let me go on like that.....totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die'.

Up went my mom from the sofa, with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the Ipod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!

Superb Advertising - Part 5

Dental Implant Insurance Advertisement
Here is a very creative use of bowling alleys to advertise for dental implant insurance. Whoever got this idea and made a sudden leap of imagination was being sooo.. damn creative.

Sony Advertisment
An explosion of colours fantastically brought out by the recent print ads for Sony Bravia television.

Seagram Advertisement

One of the best, by Seagram, that asks drivers to choose carefully between two things...

Cancer Patients Aid Association Advertisement

And here is one of the best anti-smoking ad, released by Cancer Patients Aid Association.
Frizz Skin Salon Advertisement

A very interesting print ad by Frizz skin salon. Catchy.

Kodak SuperZoom Advertisement

Thank God the zoom was invented.

Superb Advertising - Part 4

Economic Times Advertisement

Karate School Advertisement Advertisement
This is a very catchy ad for a karate school. Looks like they have a very practical approach to learning it

Environment Protection Advertisement Advertisment

The headline is a beautiful play of words. Save Trees. Trees save. And the visual impact is quite stunning. He who first said that a picture is worth many words is quite right.

Sugar free Lollipop Advertisment..!!

Western Union Money Transfer Advertisement
An ad for Western Union Money Transfer, targeted at the receivers. Interesting play of words.

McCann Erickson Advertisement
Ever wondered how advertising agencies would advertise themselves? McCann Erickson comes up with these really good ones, suggesting the value of their advice to clients. The copy reads “You wont be sorry you listened to us.”

Absolutely hilarious. Just imagine Fidel Castro with the lollipop instead of his characteristic cigar. And advising Jesus Christ on what motif he should be adopting!! (No offense is meant to any religious preferences.)

Ford Advertisement

Ford Mondeo showcases its pickup speed with this stunner of an advertisement. Great execution.

The copy reads “From 0 to 100 kmph in 8.7 seconds.”

Volkswagen Advertisement

Volkswagen Van came up with this brilliant idea to promote its carrying capacity as against many other cars.